... ...

Cause that's what you wanted right?

2011-10-12T23:08:00.004+08:00

Good. Cause you might not get to see me anymore.
Isn't that what you wanted all along?
You would like it.

You won't have a troublemaker.
You won't have to hate me,
you won't have to push me away,
you won't have to walk with me,
you won't to put up with my concerns of you,
my overwhelming cares,
my niceness, always bottling up my anger and talking nicely,
my long winded texts. Like the ones I sent before you went overseas.

the thoughts, the memories. hah.

Soon. Once I have done what I wanted to. That I can promise. Since its what you wanted all along. I'll give in again. Like I always did to you.

I'm stuck, I can't walk on.

2011-08-19T00:36:00.004+08:00

I usually had you to talk with.
Actually,
I talk with you only.
Talked. Used to.

Nowadays when I need someone, its seems like such a difficult task for me.

If you're going and never coming back, then you should just forget me completely. You should never be concern about how I feel.

But one day, if you come back, can you care like you used to?
Gets kinda lonely now. I don't really prefer this quietness.

Guess its time to go back to the usual spot.

I'll miss those times, I don't forget easily.

Destroyed

2011-08-16T01:14:00.001+08:00

Monday, 15th august 2011

Swings.
It was the only place I was able to find peace in my heart. Today, its the place where I lost that heart of mine.
Usually, most of the time, all a person needs is just one chance to be given to them to do what they said they needed to do. Usually. Guess I'm an exception. I never got that chance.
It took a lot out of me to go on my knees. I thought you would atleast see my sincerity in what I was asking.
But you stood up and walked away. I tried to hold your hand but you pulled it away.
I watched you walk away,
dumbfounded,
on my knees.
You never turned back.

Did you know how I felt at that moment where I watched you walk away from me while I was still on my knees?

Today......

Speechless.

Maybe, I might never come back here anymore.

Pessimism

2011-08-14T22:41:00.005+08:00

Been up the whole night. Actually been up every night.
No goodnights, good mornings. And its gonna be a whole day, not even a hi.
I can only wait.

Tomorrow's monday. My head tells me its just a false hope put into me. But then I still believe in that hope.

I'm so naive.
Guess I always have been.
Guess that's why I never gave up, cause I chose to believe that it will happen.
I've had too much false hope put in me.
I wish tomorrow wouldn't be one.

In just one day, I felt like those 37 days all over again. It made me think a lot.
Everytime you keep me in silence, you leave me to think. And doubt. And I start doubting myself.

I'll just wait. I can't fight against the flow can I?
I guess tomorrow's not gonna happen. The thought of that, depressing.

I know where I'm gonna be if its not gonna happen.

Take care.

A leap. Of faith, or to just fall.

2011-08-09T00:00:00.001+08:00

I always thought to myself, would your life have been better without me? If I never came in to the picture.
I never left your side. I stayed up all the way trying to make you feel better. I never intended to sleep because you were bothered. I just wanted to make you happy, that's all. But that one question you asked me, it hurt.
Out of all that I could be I was being sincere. I was being nice. I was being patient. But at the end of it all, you just treated me like most people do ignoring how I actually feel.
At the end of it all, this just takes too much out of me. I'm trying relentlessly hard. I'm putting in so much effort. But it seems like all that effort goes to waste. And my heart aches and gets heavy again.
Every time we have conversations like this, it always ends up the same no matter how many times I have tried. You're always hesitant. You never wanted to try. But here I am, time and time again, trying like I always do.
The thought that I can't change anything for you brings me to my lowest point.
I'm just a troublesome person who came into your life aren't I. Just a hindrance. That's how I feel now.
I guess you won't understand the reasons behind the things I do for you. And you won't let me get through to you.

Yet again you shrugged me off. Like I'm another pest.
You know why I won't give up on you,
but I don't know why you want me to give up.
Haven't we done this countless times before?

Just for once, I wish I don't have to feel exhausted trying so hard. For you. For everyone else.

Every time you leave me in this solitude, I guess its because I'm the object of your misery.
Guess that's the answer to the question I asked you.
Funny, I always been able to answer myself the questions I asked.

Today would be two weeks of not sleeping.

A walk down memory lane every single moment

2011-07-26T20:35:00.002+08:00

Everyday I go there. But its the same.

This quietness has made me reflect. On everything that has happened.
The decisions, the mistakes, the memories, the thoughts, the good, the bad.

Right now I can only keep my distance like I always did and wait, like I did before.

I guess, by the time I have completed what's left I'll probably be long gone.

I'm changing aren't I?

I've been thinking of all the things you said to me before.
Like the times you questioned me if you needed me when I was far away.
Every now and then when I need you, I only have this precious thing I hold on to every second to turn to. It now holds every tiny thing which I have bottled up.
Today I dropped it. It was the worst shock of my life. It wouldn't turn on.
But it hasn't failed on me yet.
Its fine now.
Thankfully.

Take care.

...... in silence

2011-07-24T03:02:00.002+08:00

Been thinking so much. Been writing in my phone that much. Been wanting to share it. But the words won't come out anymore.

All I can say is I can only do it all in silence.

Denied

2011-07-21T07:39:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry.
I got my pillow wet again. It totally my fault uhh.

I pushed aside stuff. To make time.
But now there's no point for making time.

Are you alright? Drink more water uhh. You really need more rest.

I think I've tried to go there like every hour I guess. Its still the same.

You have let go of me haven't you?

Many things seem to happen now.
I..
Hai.

Give in.

Precious

2011-07-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

Just today, I have wrote four full notes in my phone about what I want to talk to you.
If I lost my phone, I will cry.
I've written so much of my feelings in there.
Now it holds all my secret.
I won't be able to wish you good mornings and nitey nites personally so to my phone I will say.

I might not blog much cause everything is in there.

You might get to see mine, but you won't let me see yours anymore.

Hey, I could recognize you in a crowded place from afar.
When I close my eyes I see you.
When I open my eyes I think of you.
When I am outside I see memories.
When I am surrounded by these four walls, I wish for you.
You give me a heart attack when you text me all of the sudden.
You give me butterflies inside when you suddenly appear in my sight.
You give me a bad heartache when you push me away when all I was trying to do was to hold out my hand for you to grab on to.
You make my heart feel as light as a feather when you hugged me and dropped your head on my shoulders.
You make me smile with the cute little things that you would do.
You made me feel like I could touch the sky long ago.
Will you make me feel like that again?
I know I will make you feel that way if only you let me.

I can only be honest to a certain extent here.
Only in that tiny little thing I carry around so close to me everywhere is where I can say all while being fully honest.
I guess its become my heart now.

Precious.
It can be a what.
It can be a who.
It can be a moment.
It can be a feeling.
But there's only one thing precious to me that I call out to as precious.

Climbing,

2011-07-18T21:29:00.002+08:00

I guess I won't get to see or talk with you much for the next few weeks. I won't be able to see your thoughts and feelings either. Or if during these days if I needed you, I won't get to have you by my side.
But its alright uhh. I shouldn't expect that from you. You have more important stuff to do uhh. You should concentrate on that uhh.

I'll need to pick myself up now and gain some strength.

You study hard alrights?
Promise you'll make me proud?
We'll go ice skating after that? If its alright with you.

I hope after these next few weeks, when its all over, I would get to hear your answers for the questions I asked you. And what you think about holding tightly or letting there be a gap in between.
I'll wait till that time comes.

So till then you be patient and concentrate on your studies first alrights? Don't let pressure pull you down kay? I'll be here to help you. Always.

I guess I'll be blogging more often from now on.

Take cares.

With a heavy breath I let out,

2011-07-17T23:43:00.002+08:00

I held out my hand hoping you would see what I was trying to show. I was trying to give everything to you. Cause You don't want me to be hurt. So I was gonna share everything inside. You let me take your hand. Thank you. Now its your choice whether you want to hold on to it tightly or drop everything I was giving. You let me hug you. I'm sorry for making it uncomfortable. I didn't mean to. I wanted to make it into a moment that you will always think back and smile. And again, I let you decide if you wanted to hold me tight as you hug me and erase all the distance between us, or leave that gap in between us to let our negative feelings and thoughts create the barrier.

I am confused right now. I don't know why either. A wait of 37 days. Been through that, I guess I could wait a little while longer.

Hope you have eaten. And taking care of your injuries. And finished up on you homework. Rest well. Good night.
It just feels weird when I say good night.
Nitey nite. You get some rest alrights.
That sounds better.

Choked.

2011-07-17T00:09:00.003+08:00

My knee is at its worst. Still its not my thoughts.
My head hurts. Still I am thinking.

I never thought I would have broke down like that. I don't know what came over me.
He said I cared too much, and that's why I became like this.
I really don't know already uhh.
I just wanted to make new memories to bury the old ones.

Now you won't even talk to me anymore. You locked me out. It stings again knowing that. I'm sorry, for trying so hard. For everything. I'm really sorry.

Hi, how are you now, have you drank enough water, have you applied counterpain, you still got a little more homework left uhh, rest well, try slp kay.

In my head now, I can't override thoughts of you. I was never able to.

I would have lost myself if the silence persisted. Thank you for coming.

...
I only have one thought. And its blocking everything else. I can't think.

Sorry.

Shit always happens on fridays.

2011-07-16T00:01:00.000+08:00

I already have sunk. I told myself I wont cry anymore. Here I am again. Back at square one. At that very same corner. I feel so much broken now.

Him. You.

I thought he knew how I felt. I thought he knew me. I thought.
My stupid thoughts. They got the better of me. I don't know what he exactly did. But not knowing them hurts so bad already. I don't know why. I really don't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I not mad, or angry with him. It just feels like I've been betrayed. And I don't know what to do now.
Somehow I think everyone has done that to me before.

You forgot I'm another one. Just another.

After what I did, I'm thinking if I can still walk tomorrow.

The old me, I got to experience it a little of it yesterday with my friends. I was laughing and having so much fun. I miss those times. I should really go back. Be numb again. Be my old self. Be me again. This isn't me. I don't cry. I am heartless. I don't feel guilt.
Countdown to my old ways.

Unnoticed

2011-07-15T03:26:00.001+08:00

I'm up at this hour. It not like its the first time. I can't remember when was the first time I slept already. It hurts.
All I ever wanted was to make you happy. But you don't seem to give me that opportunity.
Those tiny moments and memories are all I am capable of because that's the only chances I have. Or more like those were the only chances I had.

Those things I told you that we would do together, which you said alright to, I guess in you head you picture doing it with someone else.
Not me.

I sent you those texts while you were gone. Those few days you went to malaysia. I thought about you only. And right know I kinda guess I was just the smallest fragments of your thoughts while you were there. I guess you were thinking about others more.

I really am a living hindrance. An anchor. Weighing you down. Making you unable to walk on.

I'm trying my best really. I really am. I made the somethings you wanted possible.
Some of it will come true in due time. But by the time they come true, I don't think I'll be there to see you smile.

Right now, its aching so badly. I'm being pushed aside.

I'm so scared for you. I can't explain to myself why I am. I'm so worried for you. I can't understand why I feel like that.

This blog, its my only salvation. But it will go unnoticed. I know it has.

People call it impossible because they never tried to make it possible. That's why one look and their first thoughts come out of their mouths. Impossible.
But I make the impossible possible. I know I can.

How I truly wished you would understand what I do, how I feel and give me an opportunity. But I know that's one thing you would rather give to the someone(s) you always think about.

And just like how this place will go unnoticed,
so will my thoughts, my feelings, my cries, my memories.

My life right now, to me it just seems like I'm being picked on. I have to do the dirty work for the rest. Depreciated. Being ignored about the things I don't tend to usually show. Even though they are quite obvious.

All I need is one chance, one kiss and one night to show you what you mean to me.
One chance to spend the day with you and show you how we're so alike.
One kiss to prove we're more than just friends.
And one night to hold you tight.

It was just something I saw online. Not original at all.

I guess that opportunity will never be given to me.
...

Take care.

Sad days, lonely nights.

2011-07-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was alone, for hours. Hoping you would come. I didn't want to say it. Because knowing I am an obstacle to you. A hindrance. I guess I should be the one who shouldn't be existing now. It sucks.
It hurts.
I'm sorry.

I just wanted to be someone you could rely on.
I just wanted you to say what you felt instead of nothings.

I guess I'm not much of a help.

Today I overslept for school.
But even if it was for a short while, I had a dream. another dream that I wont forget.
You were holding on to my hand so tight.
Resting your head on my shoulder.
Sound asleep.
You looked like an angel.

Right now, it really aches so bad.
But its like a waterfall. No matter how much I tried to let go of all of it, it just seems to flow endlessly.

This time I forgot two things.
The nights I was left alone sleepless.
The days I spent shedding tears.

I spent those times thinking of you.

Take care.
Yours sincerely,
.....

Hurt

2011-07-06T00:14:00.000+08:00

Whatever comes out of my mouth just seems like a joke. The only way I know how to react is just to smile. I don't know how to show how I feel inside. I am a joke aren't I?
Sometimes I just feel like I'm being backstabbed. That just make it ache worse.
Heartache.
It hurts so much to see you in pain.
You're not alone. I'm here. I'll make things better. I said I would.
I never backed down on my words. I won't.
But honestly, it really aches so badly now and I can't help it but to keep sighing.
I want to get rid of it so badly.
I'm being patient.
You have tested it so many times till now. I just wait where I am with what I feel inside.

Seriously, however hopeless I feel, however much it hurts inside, how much broken up it feels,
I really never even once considered of giving up.
And even if I have to get hurt more than I already am just to do what I said, I will gladly pay that price.

And if your heart breaks into a million pieces, I'll pick every single one of them and put then back together.
I'll watch over and protect you when you want to sleep. I'll give you my hand to hold for as long as you want.

With all that said, I feel so demoralize and worthless. I'm only good to laugh at. That's all.
I'm really sorry. If you ever saw this, it wasn't meant to make you feel sad or anything. I just wanted to say how I felt.

Then if i choose you..?

2011-07-05T00:08:00.002+08:00

Why would I?
Casue my heart tells me so.

I

2011-04-27T23:58:00.001+08:00

want to talk with you.
wish you would to talk with me.
want you to feel better.
wish I could make you feel better.
want you to be happy.
wish I could make you happy.
want you to find someone you could rely on in tough times.
wish I could be that someone.

wish not to be pushed away.
wish I could be trusted by you.

wish I never existed, then I wouldn't wish so much.
don't think you realize what you mean to me.

My fault.

2011-04-25T01:03:00.001+08:00

Those few words you said to me, they hurt. A lot. I'd never be able to forget them.
And even though it seems like its been a long time ago, the hurt never subdued. With every passing moment from then, it just seem to grow slowly.
It puzzles me that you talk like normal and act as if you never said such stuff. I've been trying the same too, but its not so easy. For me.
After saying all, I still never gave up on what I started.
But it feels like all those nice words I spoke, all that concern I felt, all that care, to you, to others, is being spat back right at me.
Being spat back at, well that's what I get for being me.
Thanks everyone.
After all this I never stopped being who I am, that's why I'm a joke.
I tried, because I didn't want to stand there doing nothing.
Well I should be blaming myself for all this. I should have never noticed in the first place.

The joke.

Remorse

2011-04-03T12:34:00.003+08:00

It doesn't matter what I feel or how I am still being treated.
I'm trying my best though. I know you don't feel so good so I have been doing what I can. Regardless of how I feel
I hope you would understand.

Sorry. For not being good enough.

I'm going

2011-03-12T00:34:00.001+08:00

I only got this left to say.....

2011-02-25T23:44:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry.

Lost caues?

2011-01-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

From the start? Is it?
Tried so hard.
Tired.

Hurt?
Faithless?
Lost under the surface?

But no matter what, keep walking and ain't stopping. Break through whatever is a hindrance.

Float.

2011-01-12T23:16:00.002+08:00

Everyone has a stormy ocean in their heart that eventually swallows and drags them to the bottom of the ocean where they are crushed by the constant pressure they where trying to hide

& I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
But don't worry about my mistakes, my regrets, and my life, when you obviously don't care about me. Yet I will continue being who I am and doing what I do.

A Wish.

2011-01-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

The best thing that I could expect to happen,

would be to receive happiness.
Not for me.
So, the best thing that I could expect to happen is not something for me.
Its a wish.

Neon

2010-12-14T23:40:00.000+08:00

When all you did was,
trying to have fun
help them out when they were crying
trying to speak you mind
trying to make sure someone understood you
trying to understand someone else
wishing to be the best of friends
wanting to be trusted
hoping for the best for everyone else
wanting someone to stop doing something stupid
trying to support someone else, everyone else
trying to make your parents proud
making you friends cheeks hurt.

You fail.
So badly.
No one notices actually.

Yet......

Friend

2010-12-09T01:41:00.000+08:00

For every idk, 10 punches.
91 sorry.
It should make sense if you ever saw.

You be nice to everyone. But they all still throw shit back at you.
Yet that doesn't stop you from being who you are of doing what you do.

Someone once told me every human is different. And that same person said they are different as well. I chose to believe it. In the end there isn't much of a difference from that person to everyone else. That person still treated me like how everyone does. But being me, I'm not giving up. All because I want to do all the things I said I would. I won't stop. I won't give up. Because I'm different. I know I am.

PS: I still really want to know uhh, I want to be trusted whole heartedly.

Denial

2010-12-07T01:25:00.000+08:00

I know I said no more, but I guess I'm just lying to myself. I think I still do.
And I don't see how I can show concern when I am in this condition.

The lies that each word say, that's what I see. Nothing else. Am I just jumping to conclusions from my inference?
However much I want to make a difference or an influence or a change, I don't think I can.

Though you don't want to tell me now, I still want to hear it from you own mouth. So I will respect you and not ask him about it. I will wait. I don't want you to be bothered by it forever. And I always hold on to my friends and never leave them, so Im not leaving you or giving up on you. I wish one day you can let go of what is pulling you down and smile, cause we said when you smile I will and when I smile you will.
So this is where I'll stop for now cause i respect you decision.

I don't know how to continue this but I still have lots to say.

Unknown

2010-12-02T00:11:00.002+08:00

I don't know what I want already. I'm just reaching out. With no intentions of holding on to what I get. And its not that I am searching for something in specific or anything. Just reaching out like a when you are blind and trying too feel your surrounding. I was saying to someone, I kinda feel very two sided, well I guess that's where that conversation ends.

stone.

2010-11-23T23:43:00.000+08:00

If someone asks you what is you ambition? What do you want to be when you grow up? What's your career path? What do you think your future is going to be like?

What will you say?

I know what I would say, I would say I have no clue at all. No goals, no desire, no ambition. Nothing.
I really have no idea what I what to do or what I might do.
Every time I start to think about this it goes nowhere.

That should explain partly the frequent stoning. The other part, well when I find the rights word I'll type it down.

And I'm a good liar.

Clueless

2010-11-22T23:28:00.003+08:00

I have a lot to say right now. But I can't seem to find the words to phrase them out.
The only thing I can say right now is that I don't know what I am doing.

Hands on my face. Getting used to that.

2010-10-24T23:52:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I woke up with a heavy heart. I got scalded. I couldn't care much about it though. It didn't hurt much. Actually not at all.
Today I got hurt. Am still.
But the funny thing is, I bring myself to tell anyone.
Not even the person who caused it. Not even the person I talk to so frequently. Not even a close friend.
Well, I'm too disturbed to think of anything more to write about.

And my scald got bubbles on it. :\

Cold

2010-10-20T12:10:00.000+08:00

Like a day I am wondered where I am would ever happen. Not being pessimistic, but its highly unlikely. I know.

Fell for someone who does not exist anymore. And doing everything you swore never to do. I know.

Well, today marks the first of such a day. I wonder if it would get anymore fucked up than this.

Even in this shitty condition I am in, I find myself trying to help others.
TSK.
So be it then. Sooner or later I'll be pushed back down to crawl again.
Like how everyone did.
I never left, nor am I leaving. I was pushed away, I'm being pushed away.

Fuck it.

Change

2010-10-19T00:48:00.000+08:00

I'm done being like this.
Sick and tired of everything.
Useless.
Worthless.
Hopeless.
Sickening.
Stupid.

The same thing that happened before happened again.
That's what I deserve for being this way.

No point waiting for the sky to cry.
No point being concern when you are just pushed back down to crawl again.
No point putting in so much effort to make things better when shit is always thrown at you.
No point talking when everyone else talks back at you.
No point when it all happens again and its not your fault from the start.
No point.

This time, I'm throwing myself away.
I'm not leaving. But leaving for good sounds tempting.
Maybe soon, I'll leave everything, everyone.

Yet again.

2010-10-14T13:31:00.002+08:00

Forgotten.
Left.
Disowned.
Alone.
Wishing.
Hoping.
In vain.

Waiting for the sky to cry.

Empty

2010-10-13T02:25:00.000+08:00

Nothing feels right now. Nothing.
I haven't slept much in the past few days. That should explain why I have such a bad headache.
But through all that pain in my head, I realised one thing though.
It always turns out to be this way. Always.
When I was young, growing up, a few months back and even now.
It sucks. I hate it.
But what can I say. It couldn't get any worse right?
Well neither would it get any better.

Trying very hard not to sigh cause you said not to.

2010-10-12T13:15:00.001+08:00

Its been 4 days. Suck real bad. Everything. Everyone.
I'm holding back so much already.
A day by day battle. Being treated this way.
And with every passing moment I only have one thought, one wish.
For the wait to be over. Cause it sucks.
But I guess I won't matter much to anyone. You or anyone else.
So I'll just suppress and walk on.

Suppression

2010-10-11T12:36:00.000+08:00

I still do what I do. All the things I do.
Even if the change is so great, it won't matter to me.
Because I'm still the same and I'll still treat the same.
There won't be any difference in the way I will treat, talk, etc etc etc.

I,

Smile not matter how scarred inside is.

Still here waiting.

2010-10-10T11:49:00.001+08:00

I couldn't sleep well again. So much on my mind. So much I want to say. But it will never be enough.

I lost myself for a moment there, became someone I used to be.
But I was reminded of who I really am.
Accepting reality, no matter how great the pain is.

I now know what to say. And I am waiting for the chance to. I won't stop waiting just because there aren't any replies. There won't be a moment I would forget.

There is really a lot of thing in my mind I want to say. And the waiting, never felt so long before. Never dealt such pain before.
But I've waited so long, I guess this hurt can be endured. For how long is that is unknown, but for as long as it takes.

So start realising soon.

Distance

2010-10-08T00:40:00.000+08:00

After seeing what I saw, I just wanted to run.
I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline.
I just wanted to run in that direction.

But I couldn't. And I didn't want to.
Cause I am suppose to wait.
Its like a boomerang.
Once thrown you will have to wait for it to come back.
You throw it to see it fly so far. And wait for it to come back.
You see it fly so far wondering if it will come back.
So you wait. So I wait.
When it comes back I will catch it. Definitely.

It will come back. Right?
No, It will surely come back. I know.
That's why I wait.

A repeat of the past.

2010-10-07T01:55:00.001+08:00

It's happening all over again. I'll just wait and see what we will decide to choose. I'll just wait no matter how hard it is. I'll continue to wait.

Its all about me. Me doing it for............

2010-10-06T00:37:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging more these days. Probably because this is the only place left for me......

Well, I told myself never ever to wish for anything anymore, to hope at all, to trust anyone, to believe in anything, to say sorry, to promise, to plead.
But I can't help not doing so now.
I don't want what happened before to happen all over again. And I won't let it.
That's why I wish so much now. I hope for the better. I trust with all my heart. I will believe in you no matter what. I will say sorry cause I really am. I will promise because I will hold on to it. I will plead all just because I have got one more chance to do right and I won't let go so easily.

I won't give up.
I won't leave.
I won't forget.
I will hold on.
I will keep on trying.
I will give it all to understand.
I will do all the work.
I will wait.

Walking strong.

2010-10-04T08:55:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter about me. Cause no one could figure out anyway.
But its okay, I'm strong. I'll do the work from now on. I will try to understand. I will wait to listen. I will be there only if I'm wanted. I will be the support. I will never leave. I will wait.

No matter how much pain I hold, I will be walking on. I won't walk too far cause that would mean I am leaving. Just don't let me walk off too far. I'll be waiting. Always. All the words I can say to assure are all from my heart. Don't doubt what I say, cause I'm not telling lies.

Right now, it really does hurt. A lot. But its alright uhh. I can still do what I do.

The things I do for everyone else.

overwhelmed

2010-10-02T01:21:00.000+08:00

Just need a little time, to be that usual random self again.
But this time it aches. Really bad. Never did it ache so badly before.
Maybe I will be only realised when it is all too late. But till then, I will still wait.
Just feel like ripping it out and throwing it away.
So many things I had to say.
But I guess it would never be enough.
Nor will it be ever understood.
I'll just pick those broken pieces.
And walk on.
Walk on till one day maybe.
I might reach a better place. Or maybe I would have just walked to far till I'm forgotten. By everyone.

Waited, waiting and continue waiting.

2010-09-25T14:06:00.001+08:00

Let just see how long it will take alright?

unreadable

2010-09-23T23:42:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you don't want others to do something but you yourself end up doing it most of the time.

5 days at ubin. The thought of it reminded me of something that happened a long time ago.
At that time, just 3 days given to think about everything but I knew what I wanted to say the moment you went off. Nostalgic. So these 5 days, definitely there would be changes, I guess. So good a bad, I'll just play it out and see what it turns out to be. Couldn't possibly get any worse than it already is I guess.

Strangers who became the closest friends
Walked away to be strangers again

It's not something I chose to be.
I have a lot of things in mind now, but I'm supposed to shut up. Shall not pour out anymore. I shall just let go.

False hopes, I don't want another.

2010-09-09T02:08:00.002+08:00

Backbeat the word is on the street, that the fire in the heart is out. Walked a thousand miles, at the end nobody continued to walk beside. So walk another thousand and see if someone would walk beside this time around. Walk another thousand if it didn't happen.
Built on false hopes. Receiving everything that is being thrown. Pick them up and carry them along.
Stand behind to give and see the joy in someone else. Stand behind to catch them if they fall. Stand behind, because truly standing beside might never happen. Stand behind, stand alone.

I won't dream of anything else, since its highly unlikely to happen.
Maybe thinking of you is making me feel this way. But I guess to you, its doesn't really concern you much.
I respected you for the life you gave me and for who you are. Did you respect me? Would you?
I think of all of you all the time and never forgot you all. Did you think of me? Did you forget?
I gave you all that I had. Did you give me a tiny bit back? Would you have?
I only have one single thought in my head. Did you know what it is about? Would you even realise, would you even care?
I will cry for you. But would you know its for you? Would you do the same for me?
I think of you a lot these days. Did you realise that? Would you? Did you think of me? Would you?
I will never let you walk alone. But I've walked and I'm walking and I might walk on alone. Would someone come by and walk with me?
I have so much to say, but I don't how to. Would someone come and tell me everything's gonna be alright? Would it possibly be you?
You promised me 3 things. Never to hurt yourself, never to _ _ _ _ _ unless its with me and never to be out all alone. I will hold on to your word. If you forgot them, then maybe you forgot me? If you break them, then maybe you're just breaking me somewhere inside where I locked up what you promised.
I never trusted anybody, but for some reason that I don't know I trust you. A lot more than you think you. Now I'm not gonna let anything or anybody break that trust. Am I just lying to myself? Or are you the one who is gonna lie and make it all become a false hope like everything else?

I have no other intentions, I wouldn't mind being like this to you forever because I will try to smile for what I have now. I don't want anything less since I found something that I thought I lost. Anything less would mean losing whats all that I have left. I won't ask for anything more. Because it risks losing what I have now. But anything more, maybe it might be what I'm searching for.

And so...

2010-09-05T23:49:00.000+08:00

he said his knuckles aren't as cute as those.

And so...

2010-08-29T14:43:00.000+08:00

it kinda feels heavy, like its pulling you down with it.
Trying to smile it off just doesn't seem right at all.
Trying to let it flow out like tears won't work when the drops seem so shy to come out.
The feeling of being disowned by people who gave you everything.
No interest in anything anymore?

So dear stranger, when will you find your home? When will you truly be happy and smile for that?
Will you continue to drag these chains that you are bound to on this road you walk all alone. Would there be someone to join you and keep you company.
If you see someone walking the same way you are, would you join them and keep that person company?

And so...

2010-08-28T04:09:00.000+08:00

... he said missed the old times.
So dear friend, you don't get anywhere thinking like that.
And he said he feels like giving up.
So dear friend, you will always have someone to push you through difficult time. Someone to pick you up when you're on the ground. Someone to support you all so that you could stand strong.

And so he asked, why do you do so much for others to be happy? And make them smile while you stand behind all alone? Because I don't know how to make you smile. Would there be someone who knew how to?

And so....

And so...

2010-08-27T00:29:00.001+08:00

...he said that it's right there infront of him. But he is hesitant. Hesitant to reach out and hold on to it and claim that it is his.
So my dear friend, the answers you seek are out there. May you find them one day, before its too late and truly lose your heart.

What else needs to be said?

2010-08-20T01:57:00.002+08:00

Don't.

2010-08-14T02:16:00.002+08:00

Don't wish for anything, because you might never get it.
Don't hope for something, because it might never happen.
Don't ask for anything, because nobody is ever that thoughtful.
Don't be so smart, because you still end up feeling stupid anyway.
Don't be so stupid, because you're smart enough to carry yourself on.
Don't look forward to anything, because there isn't really anything worth looking forward to.
Don't be so good, because no one will be equally as good back to you.
Don't be so bad, because it isn't worth the time.
Don't be so weak, because you will be taken advantage of.
Don't be so strong, because you will be just used.
Don't think you're alone, because there is always people who think of you.
Don't be happy that you have company, because they might not truly understand you.
Don't be unhappy that no one understands you, because you don't know who genuinely does understands.
Don't tell the truth, because sometimes the truth hurts.
Don't tell lies, because sometimes you just have to trust someone with the burden.
Don't trust everyone, because they might just throw you back down from where they picked you up.
Don't be so lonely, because there will be always someone who can be fully trusted.
Don't regret, because all you have to do is keep it strong and move along.
Don't hold on to things so dearly, because not everyone cares that much.
Don't drown in misery, because there is always someone trying to rescue you.
Don't think so much about your past, because you won't know who is thinking of you in that moment.
Don't forget where you come from, because you must always be grateful for that fact.
Don't forget where is you home, because that is where you truly belong.
Don't think home is your house, because home is where the heart belongs and a house is just a roof over your head.
Don't think you don't have a home, because you are home but you just haven't realised it.
Don't be so heartless, because you might end up hurting a very important person.
Don't be so bothered, because sometimes you just have to be a little heartless to move on.
Don't put an end to this post, because it would be nice if it were to carry on.

RAINY DAY TODAY

2010-08-11T23:35:00.001+08:00

I officially woke up a 12+, it was raining. Heavily. Should have slept in. But my friend called me. So went over to meet him. And we called down another friend. We slacked till 6 and went to eat. And soon after that we left. Its been damn long since I've met them. We had lots to talk about. And a lot more to laugh about. Its fun being with them actually, because we can just laugh and everything for all that the world cares.

So reached house about 7+. Been on9 since then. And the flooding continues. 1000+ comments already. My inbox is flooded. Clearing it later. Watch despicable me just now. It was really damn hilarious. The minions are damn funny and cute. Going to watch inception soon.

Well, I'm a little glad that there won't be any regret I have to hold on too. But I don think moving on is as simple as that. Time. Let time do the job.
But I know, I am back to my old self. That's all that matters.

I'm not recovering my my cough either. -__-

Seeing someone that reminds you of yourself from a not so long ago past. The nostalgia.
I can't seem to answer myself.

That place. Peaceful. Where it feels right to be. Its not home. But it beats being at home.

300

2010-08-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

So I'll start of from the beginning.

I woke up, did nothing much. just slacked till about 2+ then I was out already. Went to the swings. A place so peaceful to me. Then went to kovan mac. Was there till about 5.30. Went to wait for my bus, cause of a meeting I needed to attend. Was late anyway. So meeting ended about near 9. Met Jeremy, slacked with him and then back to house. Not home, house. Hahah.

So that was basically what happened today. I mean yesterday. No plans for today though. Will make up one as the day goes on.

So continuing, I would really wish for a new phone now. Since my current one is already in a hopeless condition. But never mind, shan't wish or hope for anything.

And I don't want another stranger in my life. A proper goodbye and to know there won't be any regrets. That's what I would really like. Because I don't want to continue this. I gave up already.
Met you as a stranger. Became friends. Became something more. It be really disappointing if it were to just end up as strangers. Because I can never forget this.

When 2 bored people get together, you're never going to know where its going to end up. Hahaha. I now know how much more further it could have end up. Well anyways, I'm back to my old self. So I ain't gonna feel bad cause that's who i am. On the outside.
Inside, that's a whole new story.

Sleeping on the floor is the best. But sitting down and typing on lappy is not. My back is starting to hurt. Hahah
My rooms the best. Blasting music, a still workable fan, lying down, staring at the ceiling. what else could I add. A tv, I can just watch on my lappy. A mini fridge, waste electricity. Later kena scolded only. Hahaha.

Well, going to end here for now.
Been long since I blogged such a long post.
Should do it more often eh? We'll see how.

2010-08-10T17:28:00.001+08:00

updated!!!!!!

-.-

2010-07-08T04:37:00.002+08:00

Stupid twitching
Aches everywhere
Foot cramp
-__-

And the 4 cups a collected so far is missing!
]:

[:

2010-07-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

hmmm

home
somerset 313
ang mo kio hub
hougang point
back home

room sweet room xp

and now i got 4 of the mac cups. missing the second one..]]]]]]:

don care.. [:

boring post.. i know
creativity out of order...
blog more interestingly next time. lalalalalalal

One more week to sch.

2010-06-28T22:55:00.002+08:00

Ummmmm... la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
i dunno wat to say uh

Maybe i should say how i am feeling.. i feel lethargic.. hahah
i feel like turning back time had havnig dinner again [:
i feel like watching a movie
i feel like sleeping till dunno when but not waking up any soon
i feel like my brain is blank now
so i shall stop here.. blog again soon.. [:

oh ya, 1 more week to sch. can i don go back...?? hahah

Its been so long

2010-05-03T22:33:00.005+08:00

I haven't touched blogger in months. [: Purely lazy to to update. Doubt there's anyone looking here anyway.

Gonna delete it soon I guess.
Short post form now on too I guess.

<<<>

I'm a stupid puppy that has a blockhead.

Iheartyou

2009-11-10T23:26:00.001+08:00

Quiet....

holidays are nearing [:

2009-08-16T01:43:00.002+08:00

Yea, time really flies. Sem 1 is already coming to an end. 3 more papers and its the holidays. Before that 3 papers, its a week of study. So thats why they probably call it study week.
And it would definately kill me to study, because i am lazy.
Lazy to study and lazy to make up other excuses to why i am lazy to study. Looks like i am quite the lazy person. That should be why i don't update so often.
Well at least i am not a couch potato. C:

-So? Its true isn't it?-

Anyways, not gonna type so much. You can guess why.
but before ending off, found this funny. XP
Hope you find it funny too.[if you watch it]

animation by nchproductions
mosquito song by mrbrownshow.com

I don't own this, so don't sue me ah. Thank you.[:

long time no see

2009-07-29T22:37:00.001+08:00

Just been lazy to update.[ don be lazy ppl, its not good for you!!]
So anyways, tests, lab tests, common tests, projects and so on. You'd know where its going. Shall not rant about that or anything else.
Oh, one thing. I hate the internet connection at home, there's always errors which causes my web pages to be not loaded properly. I express my displeasure at MIO. hmmmp!!
Well, will update again very soon.

~can't think of what else to type here

2009-06-25T02:26:00.002+08:00

I have realised that all i need is a good laugh, time away from home[a long time] and just something or somebody as the time passes by.
So NCO course was over. Had a good time during the course. Then it was NYAA orientation camp. More good times. And now its back to projects. I really do want good times to last longer though.
Just back from a talk. Stepping foot trading and supplying. But i've got to put the thoughts of that aside for a very tiny moment because i really got some other important things that needs my attention. Nevertheless, I will still do it. I mean the trading and supplying thing la..

-i am at a lost for words to say to you and to everything else as well-

Well, this would be the last post for now. Leaving Singapore later in the evening.

after so long

2009-05-31T23:51:00.001+08:00

loads of stuff had happened over the month. and yea, poly life is fun but equally tiring.seen alot of people i know at nanyang. and i totally dislike lesson at 8 in the morning. not that i hate the lesson or anything, but its just that the bus is super crowded at that time. with people going to work and students going to school, all packed like a can of sardines. reminds me of camp food, haha. so because of the crowd, usually one or two buses passes me at that timeslot. but i don really give much concern if i'm late for lessons. haha. been late countless times already.
so basically poly's fun. but with its own set backs as well. so that's something to give and take.

well, at the end of the day nobody gets what they want. that's the case most of the time right? it's not those superficial things you can get when your pockets are filled with dollars and cents.
its about those small, simple things that seem so insignificant in the big picture yet so important and satisfying to someone so much that its yearned for so deeply inside. those are the things that would truly makes a person happy. happier than those superficial stuffs right?

-
tell me,

because,
what is there left for me to say.
-

school's starting

2009-04-19T23:40:00.004+08:00

Yea, school's starting.

F Os over, did new stuff, went on to perform and of course met new friends.
So now, towards a new everything.

Well, it was bowen's 27th speech and awards day on the 18th april.
A parade of blues and whites. haha
Job well done to everyone involved in the parade.
And of course to NCC, the cca host of this year's parade.

And it was the 50th NPAP on the 18th as well.
Mrs Li drove us to hq to watch the parade.
And it was really hot at where we were seated, but can't make a fuss over that since everyone else seated there would be experiencing the heat as well.
There were no causalities in the parade, untill they started to give out the UOPAs.
So, one after another you can see people in white running into the parade.
Oh well, i hope they are all much better by now.

Basically, these are what happened in the past few days.
Just an account.
nothing less, nothing more, nothing i felt. thats all.

-
memories
that's all that will remain
nothing else
right?
-

One last thing before ending this post,
I just recieved this text from a friend.

"It's amazing when strangers become friends,
but it's sad when a friend becomes a stranger.
I never want to lose a friend like you.
I met you as a stranger,
i took you as my friend.
I hope we meet in heaven,
where friendship never ends."

I think it was beautiful.
I wonder what you would think of it?

Well thats that.

i know,

2009-03-18T02:34:00.002+08:00

i know where i stand.
and i know what i should be doing.
but i can't help being like this. because i'm like this before i am the person today. and me not being like this isn't really easy. thats probably why i was still listening.

i guess i'll come around sooner or later.
i ought to right?
-
distance
-

on and on.

2009-03-17T00:46:00.013+08:00

i have no say.

it really was a mistake. right off from the start.

its not hard to see the sarcasm in what's being said, then covering it all up by faking something that i can see through.

just giving in to everything.

[it was just bugging me. and i couldn't help but to say.]

-
you're hard to approach.
the distance, its growing.
-

after all, what could i possibly do. i'm still in between.

it ain't good.

2009-03-04T21:09:00.003+08:00

march has only just started. and it didn't start out any better either. been at home. well, its been raining. so there aren't many options. but its good though. the rain part, its been pouring so heavily the last few days. but the best part is the cool air just after it all stops. the atmosphere, it feels nice. that's the only good part.

what was said back was obviously full of sarcasm, no doubts. full of it. just like the time before. i was speaking very much politely. was i being unreasonable? was i being rude from the way i spoke? all i did was to speak with the best of intentions in the most appropriate and polite way that i could.
and this what i get back in return. thanks. i deserve this right? if it were someone else speaking the way i did, would you have replied exactly the same way? undoubtfully NO. it definitely would have been different, because the person speaking wasn't me, that's why.

so.
now how?

-
someone once told me that a friend is the one that stays with you when the world is avoiding you, because friendship is like the eyes and hands. when the hands are hurt the eyes will cry. and when the eyes cry the hands will wipe away the tears.
-
well, at that point of time...

i shall carry on with things that require more attention for now.

...

2009-02-25T02:19:00.001+08:00

yet again. i find myself holding on to things that i don't want to. even after so much time had past. even after telling myself over and over again. the things i just coincidentally see bothers me. very much.
maybe its not even about me. it could be something else. not me. i might already be part of the past.
but when it comes to me, letting go ain't really a simple task. time after time it's still the same.
and the things that i try to do to make it all better seem to make me feel less good about myself.
i guess hoping is the best that i could do.

well, one good thing of not letting go is that i still have one friendship to call it my own after it had gone through so much.

but still. who do i fall back on when i need to? because the distance feels very great from how i look at it.

hmm...i am thinking too much..i AM thinking too much..right..right??
so that explains why i don't like thinking..
hmm..its not about me. its not about me. its not about me. its not about me. its not about me. its not about me. its not about me.
its not about me,right??
if it really isn't about me...then its good..and i should be feeling good too..
right.?
i hope so..

umm..those words..even if i were to say it over and over and over again..it seems that you're mad at me inside..you know..i still have that strip of paper that you gave so long ago..cause you were someone i held on to when the distance between everyone else seem to grow further..
are you letting go?
-
umm..well..today's a special day for someone..someone whom i looked up to as an older brother..even if you didn't see it that way its ok with me..it'd be nice if things were the way before..cause i rather have it like those times than how they are now..i might be being selfish but i really want it..like the way it used to be..
well..i'll just continue to hope..
cause you see..
i don't really let go easily

best wishes. and good luck
and i wish..that you would never ever have to feel down and just frown at everything that you face from today..
-

i guess this is where it would come..so.....
open your eyes big big and smile..smile at everything like an idiot..and smile like you never smiled before..
even though its only momentary..its better to make that few seconds worth while.right?

buwaais..
[my behind ain't complaining this time around..i guess its just too numb]

[i can't think of a tittle][haha][really,i swear]

2009-02-22T04:02:00.002+08:00

seem like alot has happened in a week..
from where i last left of..
finished 2 star..so my date on valentine's day was a kayak..like wth..lol..hmm..but had to share..so wasn't much of date..HAHA..[that was random]
anyway 2 star's over..jeremy don jealous eh..you'll get your chance soon..
hmm..so now there're two tones of colour on me..hey..really hor..
oh..saw rasyidin at kallang..he was like running for training and i was like running towards him..[ON VALENTINE'S DAY..lol] and i got a kick to my behind..ow..lol.

wet wet go eat lunch at leisure park and beach road..
umm..lots of thoughts while going home..

so the weekends were burned due to the course..well..good luck to the rest who'll be taking their 2 star now.. [:

so monday was my nephew's bday..2 yrs old..2 years....2 years ago i was still in sec 3..sigh..those were the time when everything was way better than it is now..
so the next 2 days were spent at home..yet again..but there's a place i visit every night..if possible.
its good to know that such an old place is still here in today's society

thursday went down to school to pass over some notes..hope they're useful..[so i am doing something..to help..but i guess its too small uh]

so friday..alot happened..was helping with the badges..looking back at it now..i now wonder why i took such a long time to handle such a trivial matter..lol..
hmm..ok uh..i acknowledge the fact that i'm lazy.. '~' though i don like saying it..
but i WILL change.. [:

umm..nothing to say about ytd..another boring saturday spent doing nothing..

okays...what i think about the recent incident that happened..it all boils down to understanding..i guess different people have different levels of understanding..we should understand each other before acting..and not acting based on our feelings..

give what you have learned and take what you have been taught..
now thats something even i should relate to..right?? [:
to teach because you have the qualifications and experience and to learn because everything changes,so should our knowledge and skills..
so we should all exercise the responsibilities of our roles that we have.
i really do hope everything getting better..
it'd really be disappointing if it were to repeat itself..

okay..now when i revert to my not so smart self..i realize wat i said doesn't seem the least bit like something i would probably say...lol..[random agian] -_-

I'm sorry for not having said those two words for a long time.i dunno what came over me.
but from now on you'll hear those words more because you deserve to hear it. [:
you know that day when i said those words, your face immediately changed.haha.you gave a smile that was very much different from the ones you'd usually give.so keep on smiling like that always.okay?

aww..so touching[random!!] -_- lol..

oh no! wat am i seeing..i shouldn't think too much..i hope its not related to me..

well friday the 20th was not all bad though..i was less quiet..i think..haha..and i kinda felt a little glad inside..
i guess it was because bowen npcc got GOLD!!again!!haha..congratulations and appreciations to everyone who made this possible..
AND ESPECIALLY TO NCOs BATCH 07/08 [of course must boast abit mah..haha..]

6267 zs/ze [: i know i can never forget them..

or maybe its because i felt like someone was treating me a little similar to how i was treated before..hmm..i wish for it to all come back..

oh..something super funny happened on thusrday..
i was playing chess with shafiq..then he was like re do-ing his first move for dunno how many times..well thats not the super funny part..the super funny part was there was this one moment when both of us were just looking around doing nothing..the atmosphere was intensed..haha..he was waiting for me to make my move while i on the other hand was waiting for him to make his move..so we waited for like 5 minutes..then i say 'hey, you turn la' HAHA!! that he was 'really meh??' HAHAHAHAHA...priceless man!!

ok la if you don find it funny it ok..but its super funny to me..HAHA!!!

i shall stop here for now..recently my posts has been very very wordy..
okays..buwaais..my behind is aching..[don think wrong hor]

P.S
colourful the nicer mah?? right??

its worse day after day...

2009-02-14T02:50:00.001+08:00

on thursday..went to school..handed over some forms..went to eat with jeremy..yea..finally i was having a proper meal..skipped the previous meals since the day before..umm..don know why i weren't hungry..ya..so had dinner with jeremy at hp..then went for a campfire..then went on a long walk before heading home..it would be nice,to have a long walk not alone..but a day like that's long gone..and i guess it will never happen agian..
well thats that for thursday..a very bad thursday..

Friday the 13th.
yet another friday.went over to school.hmm,why am i still calling it school?well, went over,saw familiar faces.lots of them.but the first thing they would say would be "hey, so free ah? come back school for what".so my reply would be "HELLO!".so basically the day was not any better then the previous day.some stuff i saw and heard and was told about started to bother me..

and i think i should make a statement..its not that i don't want to talk to a certain some one/people or to avoid the certain.......truthfully..i really don't know how to start again..HESITANCY..vexed..

well the funny part was that i started to space out while walking for dinner.[and yea..i was hungry!! really..could eat cow..or a horse..or watever it is..]space out like walking..thats new eh..if it were only that easy to laugh at yourself..
anyway lava rock was simply worth it..delicious.yea.really.

hmm..guess my mood plunged down deep after i got home..
pulled it up and decieded to chat with a person..been long since i last chatted with this person[maybe it was the hesitancy]..this person..this person who was always there previously.seems like its no anymore..

well..buwaais for now then..

confused...and itchy!?!

2009-02-12T03:43:00.000+08:00

didn't go out the past few days..only went out to help saifuddin move stuff..that was on sunday...alot of stuff..serious..lol..i will never forget one thing..the washing machine..haha..was the first time a carried a washing machine on my own..lol..cause i young time i saw a guy carry a new washing machine into my house..then now i abit bigger then last time mah..so i stupidly decided to carry it..lol..piece of cake..muhahaha..like i could even say that..it was heavy lor..wa..i wonder how that time that person carry by himself one..i wonder more how i carry..lol..not that i am very strong or anything...really..i so weak one..lol..[must act humble..keke..]
then forgot wat time i reach home..think around 7 i guess..so it was back to sitting on THAT chair and spending the rest of the time surfing the net..[the chair the that poked my behind..and it still poking]

so the past few days i've been home again..didn't go out..umm..but i am not bored though..suprisingly..been spacing out alot..
alot more ever since wat i saw and heard on friday..i guess its because of that incident where the presence of the people around me was acknowledge but not mine...i can't seem to understand why he's allowed to talk to you all and i'm being treated like a complete stranger..why's he accepted but not me..weren't i the one who used to be in his position before..but where did it all go wrong...?[*he,not trying to look down on you or anything..don take it too hard cause its not intended to to hurt your feeling..i really do hope it doesn't..]then started to space out more after reading something...alittle bit of guilt..why weren't i there..
a feeling..and its seems as though its haunting me now..
i don really feel good now..i saw something that i should never have..making me feel more of a stranger...
and i'm not recovering from the flu either..alot of thing seem to bother me now..especially the fact that i'm not recovering as fast i'm suppose to..

who would you turn to when everything seems to fall apart..and you can't turn to the people you always turned to because they're the ones who are making you feel this way..what would it take for them to realise that..and you wouldn't feel right turning to anyone else to lend an ear to listen to you..just because your not comfortable with that..
well..i guess there are definitely people who would be more than willing to listen and give the support needed..but i guess wat creates the hesitancy is the approach...will they really want to listen..??
or have they too changed as well..
who do i lean on now..??
neh..i guess thats that..don wanna dwell on this too long..ain't really helping me either..another time then..

thats for the first part..now the itchy part..
yea..itchy...
there has been a blood sucker in my room...sucking every night..sucking my blood that is..wat would you be thinking now eh..??blood sucker don sucker blood the suck wat..??lol.. nope..luckly no leeches..haha..i don have a swamp in my room..lol..
and so because of that i'm now back to it only after 2 days of sleep..
comparing 2 days to 4 weeks..ain't really balancing well..taking into consideration the current health status...its way off...

okays..its time to go..cause my behind says so..lol..rhymes..wtf..haha..
buwaais

a day at ubin

2009-02-07T00:39:00.001+08:00

ok ok..pic here..

emm ain't really in the mood for blogging so another time eh..

oh and still got somemore pics i think..will upload it once i get it..

What has happened so far.

2009-02-03T03:14:00.000+08:00

phew...!! this IS a long post..
okays..lets start from friday..cause i don't really remember wat happened before that..lol..

still very very early in the morning..was up all night saving the albums from the np web..been doing that the past few day as well...and i forgot that it was friday..and above that i forgot that there was np later in a few hours time..serious..i still can't believe that there was np..until ngiap chun told me..lol..alright..so i went to school...hmm..its really was different this time though..those friendly smiles and hellos from some people weren't there anymore...i guess everyone's just got a little too much on their hand at that moment[that's what i hope to think]

hmm..i see that entertainment come from me uh..oh well..wat else can i do other then to smile and brush it off..and not to take it so seriously..

then after training went for dinner...oh well..just eat lor...
after that we slacked at playground..[that playground is fun lor]then i went to buy some food for myself..after going in a walk...

oh..now that i remember..i was sick on froday..lol..my nose was like a leaking tap..my head was throbbing..was having a temperature as well..ah..and the weather!!..seems like it made it worse..emm..then i started feeling cold..continued on till i was home..haha..everytime i cold i hold jeremy and sharina and they keep saying you very cold you very cold!![the way they express themselves while saying that was the funny part..to me la..]

thats about it for friday..saturaday was bbq gathering with 1e5/2e5[2005/2006]
lol..at pasir ris..
met up at hougang interchange..then it was like everyone saying "Nigel?? why you wear jeans uh??" lol..no offence eh nigel..haha..
rented doubles with ngiap chun..haha..he kept on shaking my seat..[it made me scared you know...??] then got once when i got of from the bike i ALMOST fell...cause i lost my balance..lucky i didn't fall...but!! in the process of not falling.........i knocked down i rubbish bin.. [:
so paiseh sia..haha..
ms chiang was there..but she didn't stay on too long..i am surprised that she still can recognize
me after such a long time..
the gathering was very fun...haha..then nigel and desmond kept bullying cedric..like how they always did in secondary school..lol..and ms chaing said cedric never changed..except that he taller..lol..
then other thing that happened...kian yong put a lighter in the charcoal..and nigel kept saying it won't burst one ah, it won't burst one..then like a few seconds later it did burst..and when it burst..something flew and hit my BEHIND...i was like owww..lol..but not pain la..then another one was that i scooped up[with the tongs..not thongs..haha] that gel like thing that jia hao calls solid fuel..lit it up and started to run towards the water with ngiap chun..the whole lump of gel fell one to the grass and started to burn like dunno wat sia..lol..and hear ngiap chun hysterical laughter..lol..then they were the part where desmond started to fly kite with the alluminium foil..trying to boil the drink..burning the styrofoam[i think correct spelling]..playing with burning charcoal..me scaring ngiap chun with a dead crab..
it was a memorable day indeed...in its ways..haha..
then while walking to the bus stop i saw this cafe called The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf...lol..ok..shan't talk about that..

then when i got home..surfed the internet for awhile[something wrong with my internet]..the packed my stuff to go malaysia in the morning then i layed on my bed till it was time to wake up and bath..was another sleepless night yet again..sorry tea leaf..don get mad eh..lol..
past three weeks already..lol..nothing to do so i went to recount..lol..

sunday morning went malaysia..then came back at night..played with my nephew all along the during the trip..haha..he's cute..he can talk now..[in a language thats quite easy to understand..yet its not english..lol]
well thats all that i wish to remember from that day...
came back at night..took a shower then layed on my bed again..couldn't sleep..so went online till the internet started to trouble me again..[i really should look into it..]so listen to song till daylight..sorry again tea leaf.. [:

so monday...1st of feb..i spent it by spacing out alot...so the agenda for the day was space out, space out,eat,space out whilst doing business,then it was space out, ...and ya..you get the idea...anf i got cheated by my phone again..like WTH sia..lol..
well i was anticipating a reply cause i replied someone who tried to contact me while i was in malaysia...but nuuuuuuh...i never ever recieve replies....well thats the case most of the time...really..

okays..i shall end off here for now..i am starting to get bored..and my BEHIND is starting to hurt..cause the screw in my computer chair is poking into my BEHIND..haha..[pain...]
well its tuesday now...wonder wats up for today when daylight breaks the tomorrow...
alrights buwaais...
[still bothered]

it get boring..nite after nite

2009-01-23T03:43:00.000+08:00

hmm..congratulations to me..yay me...i have just spent the last 6 days rotting away at home..lol...well..no one ever did bothered to contact me..i couldn't care any less either...haha.. the thing is that i was eagerly anticipating my phone to ring..regardless if it was just a text or a call..but the funny thing is that my phone rang twice and i got overly excited..haha..-_-" it was just a singtel ad..lol..kinda funny when i think about it now..lol..well it did ring yesterday..and humans decided to contact me regarding some stuff..lol..human..haha..like i'm not one like that..

oh well..looks like my definition of wat is funny has apparently shrunk after spend the last few day indoor[in my room] looking at a screen for like dunno how many hours and not going out unless its to bath, do some business or when no one's at home so i can hog the tv to myself..oh and most importantly..EAT!!lol..
hmm..they never seem to air any good shows these days...if there's any do tell me eh...gets boring day after day...
well night times aren't that bad..spend my time watching meaningless anime till like say5..then switch the damn thing off..since i've been using it for quite a long time..

well..other then all of that been doing some other stuff as well..just need to type them out..

i've got to get out soon..
hmm..think the school magazine is coming out today...i dunno..think i'll go check it out..thats an excuse to get out..now just to find some company to hang out with till i'm satisfied...

hey you..[you know who you are]i saw that..don't really know if wat you're showing is referring to me...i dunno..maybe i'm wrong?? dunno..but if it is regarding me then hint me again eh?? i don want to misunderstand or get misunderstood again...

while being at home..some stuff kinda gets on to me though..stuff that i hoped to forget..hmm seem like i'm just lying to myself..

apparently i have seem to have grown a liking for oreo..lol..and yes its the biscuit..[wat you thinking ah??]lol..been eating lots of it..hmm..

and i'm interested in a book..yes!! a book...coming from a person like me who would probably eat it rather then read it..lol..[hmm..are you suprised that i'm interested in a book tealeaf?? haha]

hmm..lets see..been wat..17 years and 1 week...lol..
oh oh oh..!! i'm running out of lighters to play with..lol..i want a zippo lighter!! haha

i am pyro..muhahahaha!!*cough *cough ..lol...

nth else better to do when you've been home for too long...

hmmm..then weird thing is that i didn't burnt after playing over and over and over...again..i should try 5 fingers..retard..haha!

aaahh..brings back old memories...
OKAY..i guess i have bragged enough about the boredom that i have just faced and all those long winded stories..will post some other time when something interesting happens...buwaais...

hmm..so where did all the thought go..??

2009-01-18T02:43:00.000+08:00

got to thank the early ones...haha..seems like they were really anticipating it..thank you thank you thank you.. [:
but no one else remembered it when i was there...too bad though...
and after all that talking to...............,it really wasn't really the respond i was expecting from that person...that kinda brought me down as well...seems like as time goes on people change...

but!!!! one person really did make my day so so much better...unknowingly..haha...thank you jia hao!! lol..

shan't go on about the stuff that bothered me that day now...wouldn't want to spoil the mood...

well..was supposed to go to monfort ytd...but didn't go after all..exhaustion was really settling in..

and nope...after all that exhaustion i still couldn't fall asleep...just layed on bed till 2++..haha
by then hungry already..so had to get out of bed...and no no no..i wasn't stoning..i don do stones...do i?? haha

and i officially lost count..dun want to backtrack...wait!!!i was keeping count from the start meh..??

ai!! cannot open big big anymore...but still can smile..haha..can still smile like an idiot...lol..

i actually thought it was the weekend already..

2009-01-16T04:15:00.000+08:00

hmm...submitted the application JAE dunno wat shit it is..
was home the whole of yesterday..did nothing though..was in bed the whole day too...trying to sleep that is...apparently the relaxing weather had no effect either...

and thanks for chasing me to sleep..haha..though it ain't really working..

as i am typing this..i actually thought it was saturday..haha..i was actually looking forward to those retarded saturday morning cartoons!! like WTF!! haha.. can't blame me though..i try to indulge in watever randomness there possibly could be..lol..its retarded to watch those cartoon..and its retarded to think its saturday in the wee hours of friday..friday hasn't even officially begun for some ppl...they're still under their cozy blankets..lol...how much more retarded could it get...

okay!! that was indeed random...haha...

emm..kinda bothered by somethings that i see and wishing that it was me having fun and why can't it be the same with me around....
but nuuuuuuuh..lol..i'd rather get back to wat i do best-thats wat i think i do best-you should know wat it is...yea..you..yes you..ok ok..shall not go over there now..shall save it all for later..lol..

hmm..was chatting with jin ming earlier on..haha..damn fun..lol..can be helped..been indoors the whole day..so my definition of fun has become relatively small..haha..

alright..thats it for now..my ASSets hurts..been sitting for too long now...yup...
soooouuw...buwaiiies... lol..

no more downs eh...i think..

2009-01-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

emm..results..bad eh..its pointing me to woodlands..lol..to make the better out of it..hmm..okays..monday..suddenly everyone disappeared..]: but it was ok..atleast jeremy was with me..yay..lol..had some company...
but it seems so hard for me to get that..when some people can get that like at the snap of their fingers..it really does seems difficult..no point dwelling of it though..open your eyes big big and smile..lol..
okays..tuesday..yet another sleepless night..when i got out of my room..yay me..lol..it was an empty house...so spent the whole day at home..what a bore...too bad though had no plans..
emm.i really should try to sleep now...it been wat...hmm..lets see..1 week in..i think i losing count..lol..

sunday..!! but no sundae

2009-01-12T01:00:00.000+08:00

hmmm..wat else to do on a sunday..finished up the remaining flyers...but i would really like to go back to that place again...but not to give flyers though...just to spend time..............results in a few more hours...don't really know how to anticipate it...am i supposed to be nervous?? maybe i just too tired to be feeling anything... well its round 2..been 6 days already...yep..maybe i'll lose count sooner or later..lol...hmm..well..i shall get back to trying now...

oh and arrrgh!!!i do like my class tee..really...but its kinda small you know..awkward!!lols..who cares eh..haha..

emm..just realised..there's no cloud tonight..no stars either..just one big fat moon..lols..random!!haha...its just wat i see as i am typing this..

and i found out that i can't sew either...really??how useless is that...haha...i can't even sew on a button..haha..so that makes 2 thing that i can't do so far..

how has it been till today...

2009-01-10T23:41:00.003+08:00

hmm...cca open house is over..well..efforts big or small should always be appreciated still..yea..

i still dunno wat happened..i guess that just me...
always not knowing wats wrong and yet trying to make things better...but it always seems like its something that i did to cause stuff to happen...i guess i never know either...

was supposed to help my cousin with flyers the day before though...but called it off...was a little too late...so was walking home with a heavy load...thats when it happened....again!! that coincidental moment...but it wasn't really the response i was expecting from -i don want to say who- though..maybe in a hurry..or maybe just simply can't be bothered because of something i did(honestly..i really dunno if i did do something wrong..unless someone cared to tell me so..)maybe la..just alot of maybes only...it feels terrible to be not treated like the person you were before and be ignored like a complete stranger...

well thats that till friday..saturday...hmm..lets see...did 4 blks of flyers though...couldnt continue...was getting late again..and i doing all by myself...how much more 'better' could it get...yes..it did get 'better'...shall not say wat happen though...got to finish up the rest tmr...

currently i feel like i'm inbetween.....

nice eh..?? hahas..its kinda old..and i did it by myself...yay me..lol..

1 week in...

2009-01-07T01:03:00.003+08:00

its been 1 one week since the new year had begun...and i'm still sick..how great could that be...just my luck eh..haha..but i'm recovering!! i think la...hopefully...and i can squeak sia..lol..hope i don't on friday...after recovering i'm a new person eh..lol..then its time to start the new year properly...
ahhh!! results coming soon eh...lol...
i keep lying to myself..[: no la..its called self motivation..haha..yea..

awkward!!!

sian...seems like everything pointing towards me...but who cares..hehe..

okays...time for another long sleep...lol...if possible...

He will not let his emotions cloud his judgement.He never did let it,never was letting it and never would let it.

2009!!!

2009-01-01T01:05:00.002+08:00

alright!!
its a new year..
well today went hq to collect something..then went to tampines to eat then watch movie then go home...was a funny movie though...but too bad ppl i called couldn't turn up..then couldn't enjoy it with them...well..another time then...well need fatten pocket...yea..then cca open house is coming soon..still having the feeling here..
oh well..gonna sleep now...the fatigue is setting in...and i hope at least tonight can sleep...
okays...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
to make it a better year than the previous one..so its up to me..yea...

He is trying to make his own path even though he knows that what lies ahead is still unknown.

counting down..but ain't feeling good

2008-12-30T02:34:00.002+08:00

i don feel good in the inside...i actually thought i could make thing better than it is now...but to simply put it..it seems impossible to me..i feel like i am being hated..and i simply too hesitant to do anything about it...
but there's one thing i can do...open your eyes big big and smile...even if its smiling in the inside is does make me feel i little better...but still..its just lying to myself to forget the fact that i feel like being hated..maybe i thinking too much uh...nvm..still can open eyes big big and smile to whatever happens..

He's filled with regrets now.He doesn't want this any more.He wants to forget everything that happened,to let go of the memories.But it isn't really as easy as said.

alrights..a new year is coming up very soon

2008-12-29T04:13:00.002+08:00

3 more days...there goes one year and here comes another one...
hmmm...well...i think i should go get some rest now...the next 3 days seems packed.. [: hopefully it will be with memories that i'll never forget...and other stuff that i couldn't imagine myself doing before...i think la..haha..oh well...when the going gets tough..open your eyes big big and smile,smile like you never smiled before..

He just looks at the stars,with hope.Eventhough things seems like its getting better,he doesn't feel the same.So he just looks at the stars.

it had always been mine....my fault..

2008-12-27T01:18:00.002+08:00

been coming back home late ever since course was over...well..went on walk today again...wasn't able to yesterday and the day before that...was out...spending my time with people i don't really used to hang out with...was a new experience though...but i still feel i little weird...

but now i feel like i've lost another friendship...i dunno how many more am i going to lose...its all because of wat i've done...always causing pain and sorrow..
honestly speaking...it was unintentional...i hope it isn't still this way for this person..

..i still dunno wat was the mistake that i ever did....i really want to hear you speak your mind..

..i should have never agreed to it in the first place..i should have spoke out for the people who i treasure without and hesitation...then i wouldn't feel like the person is treating me like this..

it had always been my fault...i would like to make up for it...get things sorted out..
it all starts with me...i should....no.....i have to begin it...i have to step out of my comfort zone and put others before myself..those i treasure...i'm not going to let it go on any longer..
but i just hope these goals and efforts won't be in vain...i really hope for the better...

i really wish i have learnt my lesson...i don't want to be feel this way any more...though i told myself not to over and again...but its like an endless cycle...when a new friendship is created..old ones are cut..
i want to break that cycle..and to experience those moments and to enjoy new ones without having to cause those pain and sorrow..so it all starts with me...i should have prevented such thing from happening long ago..hope its not too late though..

i was able to turn to this person for help all the time...but not now...when this friendship is the one that feels like its gonna get cut...
i really don't know who to turn to now...

when the going gets tough...open your eyes big big and just smile....smile like you never smiled before...(isn't this wat i used to do...i should realised this earlier...)thats something that would cheer anybody up...cause reading it has already made me feel a little bit better...
self-motivation eh... [:

today actually quite hot hor....

2008-12-23T23:40:00.002+08:00

such a hot weather today...still dunno why i go out when its so hot...anyway thought december should be raining one..and because of the weather my feets earned themselves a blister each..and i injured the already injured toe... ]:and i've learnt the importance of the the invention of the shoe now....cause i'm struggling to walk properly now...

well enough about my feet...lol...today was fun actually....except for the blister part....soccer today...saifuddin call me play...he went of before i did though...stayed till the light went off...which was like at 9..stayed a while longer...
walk that way again...its becoming like a daily ritual...lol...
just reached home...and the blisters just burst...more difficult to walk now...
tommorow is another day...i wonder wats awaiting me tmr...

found the lyrics to a japanese song...i think quite a number of people should konw wat song it is...

Ah, Pretending to be happy is but a sad distraction
I rush to give you my silent warning a gentle squeeze of your hand
As I glance at the path i've walked, i've endured, companionless
My face is overwhelmed with a familar aroma and the dust keeps piling up
I collapse outside of town, land softly
My legs are weary of their endless journey
And fleeting memories run through my headI see the same profile, hear the same words over and over
Like the girl who asked me "isn't life so sad when all you do is live?
"You're still careless, young and helpless...
Disapperaing into a hollow void
Now haveing witnessed sadness you should never have seen
Crying tears that should have remained dry
We may not be tough enough to live on truth alone,but you know, we dont need to be

obviously it sounds better in japanese..lols...

Hope.Thats all he could do though.He's afraid she wouldn't even bother replying to him if he were to start a conversation.
In the end,all he could do is just hope.Hope for the better.

finally a sunday for me...

2008-12-21T16:38:00.002+08:00

okays...investiture's over...yea..everyone was like in party mood once it was over...couldn't be helped uh...after sweating and learning and performing and everything else for like 3 weeks..it was all over...everyone has endured those days together and finally tasting the fruits of the effort they have put in..ok..enough about that..RC 1 and 2 with bravo can never be forgotten..i will always remember bravo as the squad that started out as the lousiest(as someone would say) to the best squad ever in my eyes...haha..the last day when we did our drills...marching form here to there without timing..banging as one...yea..seems like we were reaching our peak finally...
i won't forget my bunk mates as well...everynight..goofing off and having a hell of a time after a tiring day..oh..and i can never forget our staple food every night...cream crackers...haha...never did really started out liking it..but i've grown to like it...like other stuff that i like...
and GRIFFINS...yea...that cheer that i will always remember...ne ne........lol...how we worked well through out those 4 days in ubin...enduring all those mosquitoes...and our flag...it started out as the lowest flag to the most tallest one...the tallest flag that was ever flapping so brilliantly in the wind...the symbol of strength...
and the stink of out smelly feets in the tent every night...campfire night...the special dinner where like every 6 people needed to squeeze onto one bench..oh..and especially meals at HTA!!lols...queuing up with our wet trays for each meal of the day...
most importantly....bravo squad instructors...for the leaders they have moulded us into..

i'll remember the sky i saw on campfire night...full of stars for the first time i've seen when i was in ubin...
no wonder i look at the stars alot...(another story... lol)
my squadmates,my groupmates,my bunkmates,my tentmates..lol...

okays..thats basically the summary of what i'll remember after those 20 days...

yesterday...farhan and shafiq came for investiture...chong sian keep stepping on my boots...-_-
haha..they keep playing one sia..then i was like the last one to wear the shoulder board...lol..went to lot 1 for supper...then reached home at like 12.30 i think..took lots of photo...must go hunt for them now...

well yesterday...after marching with bravo for the last time in the morning and then getting seated with them in the hall..i felt like we have finally achieved something...unity..thats what it felt like...happy about that....really happy...so happy that i could go hug a pillar..lol...

then during lunch my prediction did come true...not going to say what it was though....i already knew long ago that would definitely never happen...i was sure about that...but i don't really know why i was still hoping for come...i guess i thought the the second time i were to pass out might have been different...might have been better then the first one...

hey hey..but i wasn't going to let that spoil the mood of the occasion...even though it did spoil mine..wasn't going to let it spoil the other's....like what everyone had learnt to say from the camp...OPEN YOUR EYES BIG BIG AND SMILE!!!!! [:

and finally i have found something for me to remember for me to calm myself and regain composure....even though it might hurt a little...

okays..thats it for now...

He still walks that path every nigh.t
Though alone
Though it brings back memories with every step taken.
He walks in the hopes of leaving those memories behind.
If only it was as easy as said.

its coming to an end now....

2008-12-19T23:28:00.004+08:00

alright....training is now complete...all thats left is pop..in a few hours time...having a weird feeling now though...
guess i should just get myself mentally prepared for tmr..
well the RCs and NRCs were actually memorable..
will post stuff about that some other time i guess...

ooh..and i really feel stupid now..i probably guess she won't come at all..i guess i just think too much..

And now he thinks he was just infatuated by her best friend.Is that what really happened,he thinks agian.Is that why he is starting to think of her instead.
He feels like he's got no one to turn to.And nowhere else to go,except for that path where he walked with her for only once but countless times alone.

away for the next 3 weeks...

2008-11-30T21:54:00.009+08:00

alright...prom pics...the ones i have for now..

going on course for the next 3 weeks...hope to be online when i am back in between the course...eh other then that...nothing much..need to get back to packing...and preparing uniform...

till next time...

He still thinks about her.Even when he there's so much to be done.Thats all he get for wishful thinking.But still,he hopes for another chance.Just one more moment.

a short holiday...hopefully it will turn out good..

2008-11-23T23:49:00.002+08:00

off to jb in the morning with people that i will never forget...erm..hope it will be a good getaway..thought its a short one...
other then that...arm hurts from carrying a bag which i think is stupid...more worse after soccer..perspired alot though...and this time i was actually looking forward for a bath..lols..

still thinking about.............

When he reached that cold place called home late at night,thats when he realised he made it through a day without even having a single thought about her.No,he is mistaken.There he goes again,thinking about her.So he was wrong.He couldn't make through even just one day without thinking of her.Maybe.Maybe tomorrow might be the day he would get a chance to see her,to talk to her,to ask her those questions,to get peace in his foolish mind.Maybe.

a saturday...a not that awesome but still wonderful saturday..

2008-11-22T21:25:00.002+08:00

eh..today go hq..not going to talk bout that though...anyway..we all didn't have breakfast,brunch,lunch till like 4+ i think...haha..me and my random and lame self..haha..and that will more random(not sure about lame)when tea leaf is around..lol..oh well...my eyes feels like its going to shut tightly till tmr...tired...
other then that..hmm...was a wonderful weather when i was walking home from mall..decided to walk when i realised it was my kind of weather..was getting a little too tired so couldn't walk the way i would usually walk..

thinking about................................

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or Saying nothing and wishing you had?
Thats what he is saying to himself.Though he ain't really getting anywhere.
He didn't see her this time,but he is still thought about her all day.
As he lays there all alone,he wishes for just one more opportunity,to say what he feels for her.But he still fears that he might lose that opportunity like how he did before.
Lying there by himself.All alone and only left with thoughts of her to keep him company,till the sun rises for yet another lonely day for him.

been busy..still busy..gonna be more busy i think...

2008-11-21T21:05:00.002+08:00

okays..the open house thing finish liao...all i got to say is that its a waste of time...but it was worthwhile to some extent though..it put a smile on my face from time to time..i guess no more going back to school after today...don't really know if its good or bad...oh well..

fun while it lasts..

He sat in front of a small group.She was in there as well.But still,he carried on with what he had to do.All along his eyes drifted to where she was.Their eyes did meet,but it didn't take too long for him to realise that she was just paying attention to what he had to say.Or did he thought wrong?He just wished to know what was on her mind,was she feeling the same way as he did?
Then that group left,so did she.Disappearing from his sights again.And so he left too,on his long and lonely road to that cold place he calls oh so warmly,home.

All along,only thoughts of her were in his mind and he only realised her presence at first,then everybody else.In a hurry,he held her arms as he walked past her.He heard her soft giggle.Was she laughing at what had just happened?Whatever it was,it made him feel better,happier.It made him feel better about himself.Inside,he admired her laughter.He sat down in front of her this time.But her eyes never meet his this time though.She was looking somewhere else all along.But his eyes kept looking up to her,looking at her eyes.Those eyes seemed like the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.He didn't know what was so captivating about her that made him fall for her.

As she took her seat not so far from him,it made him want to ask her all those question that were in his head.But he didn't.He didn't want to make her unhappy.He didn't want to spoil her mood.There were many others around.That might have been the reason why he was so scared to ask her.But did she even feel the same way as him?That made him more and more hesitant.Opportunity was there,but he never made use of it.He should have just plucked up his courage,stood up against all the fears and shame and just talked to her.So close,yet so far.

Finally,those eyes met.This time there was something he could see from that look she gave.That look she gave with those eyes of hers,that seemed so beautiful to him.But sadly,it didn't last long enough for him to figure out what she was trying to say to him.
It had to be called it a day.And so,she left,Disappearing from his sight yet again.With nothing else that he could do,he too left that place, where she was lingering around not so long ago.

The chance was there.He could have used it.But he didn't.He was just too scared of the possible consequences.Most importantly,he didn't want to spoil another friendship.If that was what it would ever be.
In there,all could he do was to admire her,those eyes,that laughter of hers,that look. Just dreaming about her,in his foolish fantasy of his.

so far...

2008-11-19T22:20:00.004+08:00

after camp...went to eat at hp...then went slack at ave 8..then went home..met up with farhan for ahwhile..that was the 16...on the 17...went for a check up..realised that i am completely blind without glasses..went to collect full u after that...don really want to talk about that thought...went to eat dinner after that...dunno wat to say bout that...just fiddling around thoughtlessly..actually got thought la...same as the ones when i was at the bus stop...okays enough bout monday...tuesday...followed jeremy to update his passport..erm after that...yea..went sweat it all out...soccer till 10.30...yea..that the day i got wacked on the arm that i got a jab...hurts alot today...neck got sore too...
today...went school..don really want to talk bout that..a little boring...no mood after that..so..i went on my walk walk walk..now really no mood to do anything else..
but there was a tiny moment when i felt a little bit better though...was on my walk walk walk when a tiny little puppy hugged on to my foot.. (:
it didn't let go till the owner pulled it off my foot..lol...
that was only a teeny weeny moment though...

Walking.Looking down.Thinking that why it couldn't be like before?Coming up with stupid reasons just to feel better,though knowing its just lies.But all along,only thoughts of her and times with her.Though it was only moments ago when he last saw her,it seemed like ages ago.Then,suddenly,that coincidental moment occurred,she crossed his path.The stomach felt empty.The heart beated harder and harder,as though it was about to burst out.So close.But yet so far.He,wanted to shout out and ask.Why couldn't things be like the way they used to be like before.But all he did was wave,and do nothing else.And she replied to him by just a smile,though it was out of usual gracious self he guessed,which he was able to make out in the darkness.Feeling like the fool that he is,he continued to walk on,looking at her till she disappears around the corner.All along hoping the she might turn back to look him one last time.But she too continued to walk on till she disappears from his sight.Not even once turning back to look at that foolish person full of false hopes.His glory isn't that shiny,it isn't even the least bit bright to begin with.But why couldn't someone brighten up and shine that glory of his,he thought.And why couldn't that someone be her?
And so,he continues to walk.Walk on his lonely road of his.

a bit busy..

2008-11-14T05:34:00.002+08:00

eh....camp in awhile...
got more thing coming up after that....
thats it....for now...

its over!!

2008-11-11T23:02:00.003+08:00

ok...Os all over...savouring the moment while it lasts..did some stuff in staffroom after Os...went hm...ate lunch at ljs...went to do the question thing at near hp there...meet up with my friend..he ask go play pool..hai...so played at hougang green there...back at home now...dizzy after wearing glasses again...eh...guess going school tmr morning...
want to watch a movie leh...but go untill vivo seems like a watse of time to me...dunno how la...
tired...and the feeling of regret is creeping in slowly...
oh well...another day i guess...

'_' tmr last paper..

2008-11-10T22:08:00.004+08:00

tommorrow last paper...camp on friday...gonna watch a movie before that...i think..umm...needs a little more time..later i guess...need to go find some questions to compile tmr...
job??(got time??)

basically...i guess its regrets..

2008-11-06T00:06:00.002+08:00

okays...been long time...feels like i got lots to say..

hmm..starting off..well most of the Os are over..all thats left is science paper 1 on tuesday..umm so far how were the exams??i don really know..don think i did well either...some regrets over it now...kinda demoralising..hoping for the best...thats all can be done..hope..thats all i can do anyway..oh well..wat else to say about exams..don think i really did my best..should have used the chance when i had it..i'll just have to see wat options i will have when the time comes..

..camp is coming soon..malaysia trip...prom night...isn't really turning me on and getting me all carefree and happy though..

okays...walking with friends isn't like what it used to be..there was laughter all the way till we reach the place we say goodbye and head for the place we call home..discussing stuff..making fun of people..ha..
just having as much fun as we can till it could last..
isn't like that anymore...that laughter that used to be there isn't the same as before...the presence feels different...its like walking alone or walking the same path as stranger...even though they are still there..close by..literally..just a silent walk..
can't it be like it used to be..??

and could there be anything else more worse then losing a friendship that is cherished deeply...??it feel as though another one has been lost...that expression that is shown on every coincidental occasion...its best to look away and pretend.........and just cheat yourself for those few seconds.......but the thought always remains inside...never once that it disappears..bothering every second of that miserable life we say we live in...

and i now wonder what happened to speak your mind... and forgiving and forgetting... and just walking beside and being a friend...

oh well....statring at orion's belt now..(: haha..cause its the only constellation i know of.. tomorrow...

its time for the real thing now....

2008-09-28T16:09:00.007+08:00

all styling hair one...a little.......haha..haha..NC looks over joyed..all this taken on english remedial...Jin ming pose very funny uh..??
wah..my mentos..he looks like a baby..

haha..jin ming so shy one...
another video of jin ming's funny acts..

okays....prelims over..done badly...i don't care anyway...emms..graduation day is over too...its all revision now...
went to pei cai's POC recently...a different passing out as i can say...kinda nice actually...other than that..didn't really go out much since i last blogged..guess its all because of the Os..lols..nvms...it'll be all over soon..so till then its mugging all the way..i guess...seems like everybody is getting serious...hmms..should i be like that too...?? its not like i'm not doing my revision...lols...really..i am..ooh..talking bout revision...our most welfare teacher gave us a lecture the previous day...went on and on and on fo 50 mins..got a headache for it..lols...other than that..hate doing test over and again...especially ss..not that i hate the subject..ss is interesting actually...but its that kinda sick from all the tests..lols..cant really help it i guess...okays...haveing second thoughts bout ci course now...i mean wat the use of it...??really..wat to achieve from it...wat can i really gain from it..dunno...well i not letting it bother me...if there is really nothing then i can always back out..i guess...would think through it thoroughly when the time comes...

okays...would like to brag on somemore..but i think i shall stop...lols..
eh...all the best to those taking n levels...
well...mugging all the way now...(i've been mugging meh..?? lols..)
time to play hard..and work tenfolds harder..lols..
yup..hope all the way also..

time to relax..?? i think not...O_O

2008-09-17T20:51:00.005+08:00

haha..2 bags..lols..

roller blading was super fun...only till we start falling over and over again..lols..haha we started to get blisters..lols..lol..group photo..haha..3 person wat group..?? (:
we dug a big hole...quiet deep la..couldn't dig any deeper..lols..

okays..got a few more pics..but scared upload..O_O..haha

just another random video..lols..

okays...friday went to east coast..had a fun time...since just finished prelims the day before...blading was fun..haha..lots of comments on that after we returned the roller blades...okays..then leave around 6.30 i think..wanted to hang out..went out with my friend...walk here walk there again..well that basically wat happened on friday..would really hope such a day would repeat itself...its was very fun...but if it were to repeat..there should definately be more people...and this time roller blade the time must try not to fall and hurt our PRIDE again..lols...

okays..saturday...i dunno wat happen cant remember..lols..i think too boring untill cant remember thats why i guess..haha..
and then sunday...hmms...went for a walk again...oh..this time abit thrilling..hehe..the time was like 7+...sky was very dark...went to walk in the medical park a.k.a the mental hospital..lols..dark dark..then no one...abit creepy one the place...then got weird noises everywhere one...lols..can't explain the feeling in words...its a feeling that must be experienced first hand..
didn't sleep that night..not because of the haunting feelings..lols...DNT..lols...same on monday night..and tuesday night...finished it...don want to talk about it anymore...time to hit the books for self assurance..lols..no..seriously..time to study...

well...3 days never sleep..then go school today morning made me feel different..dunno way...and the stupid coffee...i cant make a proper mug of coffee..lols..drank 3 mugs the previous night...abit restless...lols...too much uh..??like obviously...lols..

today after handing in you know wat that i don want to talk about already(lol..ok..lame..)...i go PCC with jia wei...twice somemore..lols..seriously..play chinese chess la..not that one la...lols...seriously..chinese chess...first one lose..hai..wat you expect..i beginner mah..lols...but won the second match...wow..second match play untill super long...to me la...like all the pieces cleared like that..lols..then yi jin la...kinda make alot of noise one..lols..but cannot say him uh...he is pro...at PCC..lols...
been very long since i stayed back this long in school..lols...walked home...slept..woke up..realise only sleep 2hrs..hai..lols..then finally..update because some people constantly asking to update one..lols..

well...trying my best..to make myself happy lor..ooh...ooh..and not forgetting... 32 more days..if i am correct...as jin ming would say..FARAD!! got charges in my ass..lols...well..dunno wat to say already...hmm...thats it for now lor...