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A walk down memory lane every single moment
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Everyday I go there. But its the same. This quietness has made me reflect. On everything that has happened. The decisions, the mistakes, the memories, the thoughts, the good, the bad. Right now I can only keep my distance like I always did and wait, like I did before. I guess, by the time I have completed what's left I'll probably be long gone. I'm changing aren't I? I've been thinking of all the things you said to me before. Like the times you questioned me if you needed me when I was far away. Every now and then when I need you, I only have this precious thing I hold on to every second to turn to. It now holds every tiny thing which I have bottled up. Today I dropped it. It was the worst shock of my life. It wouldn't turn on. But it hasn't failed on me yet. Its fine now. Thankfully. Take care. 
...... in silence
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Been thinking so much. Been writing in my phone that much. Been wanting to share it. But the words won't come out anymore. All I can say is I can only do it all in silence. 
Denied
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'm sorry. I got my pillow wet again. It totally my fault uhh. I pushed aside stuff. To make time. But now there's no point for making time. Are you alright? Drink more water uhh. You really need more rest. I think I've tried to go there like every hour I guess. Its still the same. You have let go of me haven't you? Many things seem to happen now. I.. Hai. Give in. 
Precious
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Just today, I have wrote four full notes in my phone about what I want to talk to you. If I lost my phone, I will cry. I've written so much of my feelings in there. Now it holds all my secret. I won't be able to wish you good mornings and nitey nites personally so to my phone I will say. I might not blog much cause everything is in there. You might get to see mine, but you won't let me see yours anymore. Hey, I could recognize you in a crowded place from afar. When I close my eyes I see you. When I open my eyes I think of you. When I am outside I see memories. When I am surrounded by these four walls, I wish for you. You give me a heart attack when you text me all of the sudden. You give me butterflies inside when you suddenly appear in my sight. You give me a bad heartache when you push me away when all I was trying to do was to hold out my hand for you to grab on to. You make my heart feel as light as a feather when you hugged me and dropped your head on my shoulders. You make me smile with the cute little things that you would do. You made me feel like I could touch the sky long ago. Will you make me feel like that again? I know I will make you feel that way if only you let me. I can only be honest to a certain extent here. Only in that tiny little thing I carry around so close to me everywhere is where I can say all while being fully honest. I guess its become my heart now. Precious. It can be a what. It can be a who. It can be a moment. It can be a feeling. But there's only one thing precious to me that I call out to as precious. 
Climbing,
Monday, July 18, 2011
I guess I won't get to see or talk with you much for the next few weeks. I won't be able to see your thoughts and feelings either. Or if during these days if I needed you, I won't get to have you by my side. But its alright uhh. I shouldn't expect that from you. You have more important stuff to do uhh. You should concentrate on that uhh. I'll need to pick myself up now and gain some strength. You study hard alrights? Promise you'll make me proud? We'll go ice skating after that? If its alright with you. I hope after these next few weeks, when its all over, I would get to hear your answers for the questions I asked you. And what you think about holding tightly or letting there be a gap in between. I'll wait till that time comes. So till then you be patient and concentrate on your studies first alrights? Don't let pressure pull you down kay? I'll be here to help you. Always. I guess I'll be blogging more often from now on. Take cares. 
With a heavy breath I let out,
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I held out my hand hoping you would see what I was trying to show. I was trying to give everything to you. Cause You don't want me to be hurt. So I was gonna share everything inside. You let me take your hand. Thank you. Now its your choice whether you want to hold on to it tightly or drop everything I was giving. You let me hug you. I'm sorry for making it uncomfortable. I didn't mean to. I wanted to make it into a moment that you will always think back and smile. And again, I let you decide if you wanted to hold me tight as you hug me and erase all the distance between us, or leave that gap in between us to let our negative feelings and thoughts create the barrier. I am confused right now. I don't know why either. A wait of 37 days. Been through that, I guess I could wait a little while longer. Hope you have eaten. And taking care of your injuries. And finished up on you homework. Rest well. Good night. It just feels weird when I say good night. Nitey nite. You get some rest alrights. That sounds better. 
Choked.
My knee is at its worst. Still its not my thoughts. My head hurts. Still I am thinking. I never thought I would have broke down like that. I don't know what came over me. He said I cared too much, and that's why I became like this. I really don't know already uhh. I just wanted to make new memories to bury the old ones. Now you won't even talk to me anymore. You locked me out. It stings again knowing that. I'm sorry, for trying so hard. For everything. I'm really sorry. Hi, how are you now, have you drank enough water, have you applied counterpain, you still got a little more homework left uhh, rest well, try slp kay. In my head now, I can't override thoughts of you. I was never able to. I would have lost myself if the silence persisted. Thank you for coming. ... I only have one thought. And its blocking everything else. I can't think. Sorry. 
Shit always happens on fridays.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I already have sunk. I told myself I wont cry anymore. Here I am again. Back at square one. At that very same corner. I feel so much broken now. Him. You. I thought he knew how I felt. I thought he knew me. I thought. My stupid thoughts. They got the better of me. I don't know what he exactly did. But not knowing them hurts so bad already. I don't know why. I really don't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I not mad, or angry with him. It just feels like I've been betrayed. And I don't know what to do now. Somehow I think everyone has done that to me before. You forgot I'm another one. Just another. After what I did, I'm thinking if I can still walk tomorrow. The old me, I got to experience it a little of it yesterday with my friends. I was laughing and having so much fun. I miss those times. I should really go back. Be numb again. Be my old self. Be me again. This isn't me. I don't cry. I am heartless. I don't feel guilt. Countdown to my old ways. 
Unnoticed
Friday, July 15, 2011
I'm up at this hour. It not like its the first time. I can't remember when was the first time I slept already. It hurts. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. But you don't seem to give me that opportunity. Those tiny moments and memories are all I am capable of because that's the only chances I have. Or more like those were the only chances I had. Those things I told you that we would do together, which you said alright to, I guess in you head you picture doing it with someone else. Not me. I sent you those texts while you were gone. Those few days you went to malaysia. I thought about you only. And right know I kinda guess I was just the smallest fragments of your thoughts while you were there. I guess you were thinking about others more. I really am a living hindrance. An anchor. Weighing you down. Making you unable to walk on. I'm trying my best really. I really am. I made the somethings you wanted possible. Some of it will come true in due time. But by the time they come true, I don't think I'll be there to see you smile. Right now, its aching so badly. I'm being pushed aside. I'm so scared for you. I can't explain to myself why I am. I'm so worried for you. I can't understand why I feel like that. This blog, its my only salvation. But it will go unnoticed. I know it has. People call it impossible because they never tried to make it possible. That's why one look and their first thoughts come out of their mouths. Impossible. But I make the impossible possible. I know I can. How I truly wished you would understand what I do, how I feel and give me an opportunity. But I know that's one thing you would rather give to the someone(s) you always think about. And just like how this place will go unnoticed, so will my thoughts, my feelings, my cries, my memories. My life right now, to me it just seems like I'm being picked on. I have to do the dirty work for the rest. Depreciated. Being ignored about the things I don't tend to usually show. Even though they are quite obvious. All I need is one chance, one kiss and one night to show you what you mean to me. One chance to spend the day with you and show you how we're so alike. One kiss to prove we're more than just friends. And one night to hold you tight. It was just something I saw online. Not original at all. I guess that opportunity will never be given to me. ... Take care. 
Sad days, lonely nights.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Yesterday I was alone, for hours. Hoping you would come. I didn't want to say it. Because knowing I am an obstacle to you. A hindrance. I guess I should be the one who shouldn't be existing now. It sucks. It hurts. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be someone you could rely on. I just wanted you to say what you felt instead of nothings. I guess I'm not much of a help. Today I overslept for school. But even if it was for a short while, I had a dream. another dream that I wont forget. You were holding on to my hand so tight. Resting your head on my shoulder. Sound asleep. You looked like an angel. Right now, it really aches so bad. But its like a waterfall. No matter how much I tried to let go of all of it, it just seems to flow endlessly. This time I forgot two things. The nights I was left alone sleepless. The days I spent shedding tears. I spent those times thinking of you. Take care. Yours sincerely, ..... 
Hurt
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Whatever comes out of my mouth just seems like a joke. The only way I know how to react is just to smile. I don't know how to show how I feel inside. I am a joke aren't I? Sometimes I just feel like I'm being backstabbed. That just make it ache worse. Heartache. It hurts so much to see you in pain. You're not alone. I'm here. I'll make things better. I said I would. I never backed down on my words. I won't. But honestly, it really aches so badly now and I can't help it but to keep sighing. I want to get rid of it so badly. I'm being patient. You have tested it so many times till now. I just wait where I am with what I feel inside. Seriously, however hopeless I feel, however much it hurts inside, how much broken up it feels, I really never even once considered of giving up. And even if I have to get hurt more than I already am just to do what I said, I will gladly pay that price. And if your heart breaks into a million pieces, I'll pick every single one of them and put then back together. I'll watch over and protect you when you want to sleep. I'll give you my hand to hold for as long as you want. With all that said, I feel so demoralize and worthless. I'm only good to laugh at. That's all. I'm really sorry. If you ever saw this, it wasn't meant to make you feel sad or anything. I just wanted to say how I felt. 
Then if i choose you..?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Why would I? Casue my heart tells me so. 
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